Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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