hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
