My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
