apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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