It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
