The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Randomize
