After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
