it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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