I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just invented taco cereal.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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