Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
