Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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