If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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