puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
