Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
