don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I touched a dick in church today
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
