I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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