I just saw a hot homeless man
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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