i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
