It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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