Your mouth is God's brothel.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
