checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
