Just cropdusted the office
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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