I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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