Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
whose parrot is this?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
