he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
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