If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
