she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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