i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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