I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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