I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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