just come out here and I will go home with you...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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