Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
