I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
