I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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