At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
