I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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