uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
