I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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