What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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