Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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