Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
