I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
