i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
