based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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