failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
