your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
