last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
