My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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