I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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