Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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